Have you been in a situation where you felt unsure of what to say to a griefing friend? Situations like this can be challenging especially if they were close to the person who passed away. In such circumstances, it’s important to approach the situation with sensitivity and compassion.
Everyone experiences grief differently and we may unintentionally say things that can be perceived as hurtful or insensitive. Grief etiquette is an important aspect to consider when supporting your friend as it can help us be mindful of our words and actions.
Although there are no universally accepted rules, grief etiquette provides a guideline of how we can navigate these situations better. With that, let’s take a look at some of the ill advised things you shouldn’t say to a friend who is mourning.
“They’re in a better place”
This is probably the first thing that comes to mind when trying to comfort someone who’s experiencing loss. While it may seem like a well intentioned phrase, it can also imply that their loved one’s passing is a positive one.
This may not align with the emotions and perspective of your friend who may be feeling immense pain and sadness.
Instead, you should shift focus to the person who is experiencing pain at the moment and use comforting statements such as “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m here to support you”.
Rather than trying to rationalise their grief, the best approach is to always lend an ear and offer support.
“I know who you feel”
Everyone experiences grief differently and even if you have been through the same situation, it’s important to recognise that your friend’s experience is completely different.
Keep in mind that your friend’s experience is shaped by the relationship with the person who passed away. Saying you know exactly how someone feels can be invalidating to the person mourning even if your intentions are good.
Rather than claiming you know how they feel, you should instead offer empathy and support by giving them a chance to identify how they feel. Using words like “I’m here for you whenever you want to talk” is a good way to start.
“Everyone dies eventually”
Another common statement is to imply that death is a natural occurrence and ultimately unavoidable. Although this is true, your remark may come off as insensitive and dismissive as it minimises the actual loss at that moment.
Instead of brushing it aside, it’s important to acknowledge the pain and grief that your friend is going through. Use comforting words that show much you care about your friend or simply be present whenever they need someone to talk to.
“Everything happens for a reason”
This is another statement to avoid when comforting your friend as it can invalidate their pain and minimise emotions. Most people use this phrase to help a friend find meaning in a difficult situation or provide reassurance.
However, finding a reason behind their loss may overlook their need for empathy and understanding. When in a doubt, avoid offering explanations and focus on creating a safe space for your friend to express their emotions.
You can do this by emphasising empathy and compassion.
“At least they lived a long life”
This statement probably gets thrown around alot too and it implies that the length of someone’s life should diminish the pain of their loss.
Although it may be said with good intention, it can be rather insensitive to associate someone’s length of life with their passing. No matter what age the deceased goes, the time spent will never be enough especially to those closest to them.
The lost will still feel colossal regardless of age and how long they were alive. As a friend, the best you can do is express your willingness to listen and understand the situation they are in.
They may even want to share stories and memories about their loved one so always be ready to lend an ear.
Conclusion
Death is an abstract concept and everyone experiences grief differently. The process is unique to each person and it’s natural to be unsure of what to say to a friend that’s mourning.
What may be comforting for one can be hurtful to another so it’s important to choose our words carefully and be mindful of the impact they might have on our friend.
All in all, avoid minimising emotions and dismissing pain and remember to empathise and actively listen to what your friend has to say.
