Dos and don’ts when attending a wake in Singapore

While the common courtesy when attending funerals is similar across the board everywhere else in the world, certain religions and customs have their own unspoken rules when it comes to attending wakes and funerals. If you’re not a local native of the place or culture where you’re attending a wake or funeral, it’s best to get to know the dos and don’ts of attending a wake, just so that you won’t appear rude or insensitive to the grieving family.

In Singapore, we have a few dos and don’ts when attending a wake, especially when attending a Chinese funeral. Here are the most common ones:

1. Paying last respect to the deceased

At a funeral, visitors to the wake will be led by the bereaved family to pay their respects to the deceased. This entails pausing at an altar in front of the coffin and bowing three times or presenting joss sticks to the deceased. Because Singapore is now a multi-religious and multicultural country, many more mourning families are accepting visitors who don’t offer joss sticks. Bowing or bowing your head with a minute of silence is, nonetheless, a basic expression of respect.

2. Spending time with the bereaved family

A funeral is a gathering of family and friends to memorialise a loved one who has passed away. Visitors can offer compassion to the family for their loss, even if it is not part of the tradition, if they don’t know the deceased well. If visitors do know the deceased during their life, it will bring consolation to the family if they recollect fond memories and positive qualities about them.

3. Family visitation

Family members would hold all-night vigils by the coffin in traditional Chinese wakes, and visitors could play mahjong with the family to keep themselves occupied. Today, funeral homes provide lock-up security, and families no longer see the need to rigidly adhere to this practice. Before going too late or too early, it’s a good idea to phone the family and find out what their visiting hours are.

4. Before leaving a funeral

When visitors leave, they will be given small red packets containing money or candy and a strand of red thread. Visitors are encouraged to take them as they leave the funeral, but they must spend the money, eat the candy and discard the thread for good luck. Today, some wakes just give out crimson threads rather than cash in red packets. The purpose remains the same.

5. Attire

For wake visitors, sombre colours like white, black, or dark blue are appropriate. Attending the funeral of an elderly person with children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren, on the other hand, is less solemn because the deceased is thought to have lived a ripe old age. In most cases, a wake is still a melancholy occasion, thus bright colours should be avoided.

6. Numbers and figures

Even numbers are associated with fortunate occurrences and goods in Chinese traditions. A wake is performed over an odd number of days, such as 3, 5, or 7 because a funeral is not an auspicious occasion. Condolence gifts, known as pek kim or bai jin, come in a variety of shapes and sizes. In Singapore, a minimum payment of $30 is frequently offered to the grieving family.

Depending on the visitor’s financial situation and proximity to the family, more can be donated. These donations are known as bai jin because they are given to the family in white envelopes and are often used to help the family with the costs of funerals, which could be expensive.

7. Obituary announcements and condolence wreaths

It used to be usual for bereaved families to place death notices in newspapers, but with the arrival of cellphones and social media, this practice has gradually faded. More families are informally sharing news in their family chat groups these days, and print obituaries are falling out of favour like public birth and wedding announcements.

However, some families continue to recognise the value of this customary process and announce the death with an obituary as a method of expressing their respect and sadness for the deceased. More people are turning to internet memorials and other digital means to keep their loved ones’ memories alive.

Visitors used to offer floral wreaths and blankets to the grieving family as expressions of sorrow, but nowadays, more families want visitors to donate to charities instead of sending wreaths as a way to do good in the deceased’s name.

Want to know more about funeral or wake services? Contact us at +65 8866 3326 to find out more.